Self Diagnosis

Self diagnosing is not a good practice.

A lot of it happens in our society today.

And having a starting point is always good when you go into the doctor.

But that's they key part of that sentence.

When you GO TO THE DOCTOR.

It drives me insane when I see people post things about how they THINK they have a mental illness.  I understand you're having problems.

But when you self diagnose, you make those mental illnesses seem like a joke.

OCD, ADHD, and bipolar disorder are all serious things.

You do not want to have them.  If you think you're exhibiting symptoms, then go to a doctor.

I know this sounds incredibly privileged, because not everyone has access to health care, but in most cases I've seen, the people self diagnosing have health care readily available but decide to not go to the doctor anyway.

So yeah.  There's my rant for the day.

STOP TRIVIALIZING MENTAL ILLNESS.

College, Tuition, and Stress

Finals week is coming up in a few weeks.  I'm not worried about finals.  By then, I'll either know the stuff or I won't.  No point in freaking out about it.

I am stressed about work this summer though.  This is the first time I've really felt the NEED for money, the need to save money.  (The fact that I know and want to save money is a HUGE thing for me.  I'm bad at saving.  I like buying things.)

I mean, I'm gonna work at the hotel, but honestly, it's a hard job.  I can't stress it enough.  And I mean, my parents try to understand to some point, but sometimes I feel like they think I'm being a wimp.  But my knees and my back don't work like they should largely because of how much work the hotel is.  I also think my asthma got worse because of the chemicals we use.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I like my coworkers, and I like my job.  It's just difficult.  And I need to actively pursue other jobs this summer at the very least, and I'm terrified I won't get a second job.  The pressure to get a job from my parents is pretty substantial.  And I understand why they want me to have two jobs.  More money=less loans.  Less loans=less interest.  ALL GOOD THINGS.  But it just stresses me out because jobs aren't easy to get right now, especially for me.  I mean, I applied at Target, Taco Bell, McDonalds, a summer camp, Walgreens, and the movie theater.  No one is looking for seasonal employment.

I don't know.  I just...I need to save money.  But I also need to make sure that I don't burn out this summer.  And I've been thinking about all this stuff, loans and money, for the past few weeks and it's knocked my sleep schedule out of whack and I'm more irritable and antisocial.

Plus, I need to get a job at Platteville next semester if I want to move out of my parents' house next summer (which I do, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it.  We'll see.)

Ugh.  It's like...all the stuff that happened when I turned 18 and became an adult just hit me now.  Which is good that it has hit me.  I mean, I'm starting to look into the future, plan my career.  I'm getting more and more enthusiastic about my major.  I can't wait to start teaching.  It's just that all the stress of school I have to deal with makes me want to become a hobo sometimes.

I just really need a break from it all.  I have a few friends who I think are coming to stay next weekend for the night, and that'll be fun.  I just really really REALLY need to de-stress.  I mean, obviously I'm stressed out.  It's 3:38 in the morning and I'm blogging because I can't stop thinking about money.

Money money money.

It's this huge thing hanging over my head.

Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll have saved up enough money to pay for at least half of my tuition.  I was going to look into buying a car, but honestly I feel like with gas prices and insurance, I'd rather spend that money on tuition.  I'll just bum rides off my friends.  (That does make it more difficult to get a job though; this means I can only work on campus because I'm not walking to work off campus when it's cold or dark.)

Everyone's looking forward to a 3 month break.  And yeah, I get a break from school too, but I'm gonna work all I can.  I'm not looking forward to this summer.  It's gonna be tough, and I'm pretty sure I'll have at least one meltdown by the end of it.

Sigh.

How to Talk to Somebody With a Mental Illness Without Sounding Like a Jerk

Taken from HERE

NOTE: I’m sure this doesn’t apply to all people with mental illness, but I wanted to address these things from my perspective. I am a woman with Bipolar II with Intermittent Psychosis and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder so things will be framed in that respect, but I like to think they can apply elsewhere too. 
I am thankful for every person who attempts to understand me and what I go through. I’m not making this list to make anybody feel bad, but to make people aware of the things they say that don’t really help somebody and with explanations why. Too often when people say things like this, myself and others get annoyed and don’t provide a proper explanation as to why it’s wrong. Here are some examples with explanations:
1) “Everybody feels sad sometimes!”: Yes, this is very true. Everybody does go through periods of sadness or difficult times in their life. However, that sadness is not diagnosed as a mental illness. A mental illness that produces feelings of sadness has strict diagnostic criteria that separate it from normal emotions. By telling somebody with a mental illness that their behavior is experienced by everybody, you are delegitimizing their experience. People with mental illness (especially mood disorders) often think that they do experience the same emotional range as other people, which lead them to feel even worse when they don’t seem to cope as well as other people. They’re often surprised to find that they experience things differently than others.  If you yourself don’t suffer from a mental illness, you have no basis for comparison to say that the person isn’t experiencing something beyond the norm.
2) “But, I mean, all women are crazy. You’re not any different.”: Beyond being completely sexist, this statement is offensive because it is again delegitimizing the experiences of a mentally ill person while simultaneously saying that all women are mentally ill. A woman with a mental illness does not experience the same things as a healthy woman. And beyond that, a healthy woman is not crazy. This one just shouldn’t be said, ever.
3) Using disorder-names flippantly: You might think that by throwing around the words “schizo” or “bipolar” or “OCD” in front of your mentally-ill friend, you’ll make them feel more accepted. But honestly, you aren’t. It just makes many of us highly uncomfortable. We hear people who aren’t our friends throw these words around all the time as if it’s cool to describe yourself using somebody else’s pain. Don’t chip in.

4) Yelling at people who use disorder-names who you think is being flippant but is not: If you don’t know somebody well and they mention a disorder in a context that could possibly be flippant, don’t yell at them. They might not be acting flippant, and actually might have that disorder. For example, if somebody says, “The mess in this room is really freaking me out. I wish I didn’t have OCD,” you might assume that they’re just making a joke because you’ve heard other people do similarly (another reason to not do #3). However, they could just be expressing something that is legitimately a problem. If you’re worried, just ask, “Oh, I didn’t know you have OCD; how are you doing?.” If they don’t have it, they’ll correct you and you can feel free to tell them that their behavior is harmful. If they do have it, they will respond in turn.
5) “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you; you’re just different.”: Would you tell somebody with cancer that there’s nothing wrong with them and that they’re just different? Of course you wouldn’t. Similarly, don’t tell somebody coping with a mental illness that that they are just “different.” While some people might like to take the approach that they have an “alternate way of thinking,” many of us don’t. We deal with something that not only makes us feel terrible day in and day out, but makes us feel misunderstood or separated from healthy people. You’re not a jerk by acknowledging the fact that we suffer from something difficult. In fact, just acknowledging us as legitimate is a huge relief, as it’s something we don’t get a lot.
6) “I don’t believe in mood disorders./Mood disorders are just a way to make people feel bad about their feelings.”: Telling somebody that you don’t believe in their disorder is something that just doesn’t need to be done, as it’s just rude. You’re free to think that, but don’t bring it up with somebody who faces a lot of pain and stigma because of their disorder. You might be of the opinion that mood disorders are over-diagnosed because our society doesn’t like expressions of emotion and wants to vilify them, and that’s fine. You know, you might even be right in a sense. However, telling this to somebody who has been diagnosed and treated for a mood disorder isn’t going to win you any points with them. If that friend brings it up, pursue it, but saying it to them yourself comes off as judgmental.
7) “I’m against the use of psychiatric medication.”: That’s your personal choice. Nobody is telling you that you must take any medication. However, for people with any severity of a mental illness, it’s not really an option. Some people choose not to take medication; that’s their right. However, as a non-mentally ill person, you don’t really have room to comment on what medications other people take as you’re not in the position of it being one of your treatment options. Many of us who are medicated know that there are risks associated with our medications, but we don’t have many other options when it comes to getting our lives on track. Judging our use of medication is not your place.
8) “I don’t think you should have kids./What if your kids get it?/How will you be able to care for another human being?”: This is something that a lot of mentally ill people, especially women, are told. It’s something that those of us who want to have kids are afraid of already without you questioning us about it. A lot of us decide not to have children, even if we want them, because we’re afraid that we’ll pass on our disorder (if it’s passable), or that we’ll make bad parents. This isn’t your life and it isn’t your concern. If you know somebody who is mentally ill with children that are being neglected, then yes, intervention is important for the sake of the children. Otherwise, don’t question somebody for their decisions in life that do not affect you. 

9)  ”I had a friend with [insert mental illness here] and they didn’t do that.”: People with mental illness, even if they have the same illness, are not all the same. Plenty of people have bipolar disorder that doesn’t present in all of the same ways, or feel the same, or have the same experiences. While knowing somebody else with a similar/the same mental illness can be helpful or educational, remember that not all people with that disorder must act the same way. We are different people with different experiences. Your friend might have had tons of sex when she was manic; your other friend might not. Neither one if them is a liar or faking or less legitimate.
10) “You seem like you have such an easy time, though!”: This is sort of a backwards compliment; it’s saying that we seem productive and well-adjusted while simultaneously casting suspicion on the severity of our illness. As before, people with mental illness present in different ways; some are able to be productive every day because of their heavily regimented lifestyle. Some are not productive despite a heavily regimented lifestyle. That doesn’t mean that one has it worse than the other; it means they’re different people who react in different ways. If you want to compliment your friend who has a mental illness about their productivity, something like, “I really admire your ability to go through hard things and still come out on top.” goes over much better.
11) “Whoa, you take lithium? Wicked!”: This fits under the category of “People Who Idealize Mental Illness As Something Cool.” Doing this in any sense is very not-okay. Mental illness is not something to idealize or fetishize; it does not make somebody cool or alternative or hardcore, it just makes their life harder than yours in that respect. Just because Nirvana wrote a song about lithium and you love Nirvana doesn’t mean that meeting a living-breathing person who takes this medication means you can be act like you’ve met Kurt Cobain himself. They’re taking this medication not to be cool, but because they’re using it to treat something that is difficult for them. Idealizing it makes you look silly.
This is by no means exhaustive or all-applicable, but I do hope that these sort of common questions can be made obvious so they can be better addressed. 

Friends.

Since I moved to Sun Prairie, my friends have always been the most important part of my life.  They have been the ones that have guided me, whether good or bad, and helped shape me into who I am today.

After my diagnosis, and even before, I learned how to turn to my friends for support, to build a support system out of them.

But people don't seem to understand that it is crucial that my support system is available.  This makes me needier than most people.  And it makes me incredibly difficult to deal with.  I can't tell you how many friendships have deteriorated because they can't handle how I react to certain situations.

And every single time it takes me by surprise.  Because I never see it coming.  And if it's not coming, I overanalyze it until they get sick of me and ditch.

I am a pro at losing friends without ever trying.

Someone just posted about how they wish they had bipolar disorder. I...what? SERIOUSLY?

Bipolar disorder is incredibly difficult to deal with.  It's not something I can just turn on and off because I feel like being a bitch and having an excuse.

Why would you wish you have a severe mental illness?

I would give ANYTHING to be "normal".

Sure.  I've learned a lot from my bipolar disorder.

But if given the choice, I'd have it taken away from me in a heartbeat.

I want to be able to react normally to stressful situations.

It seems like lately, people have decided mental illnesses are "cool" to have.  That they're fun to joke about.

No.

They suck.

And just because the world all of a sudden thinks it's "cool" or "rebellious" to have a mental illness, that doesn't mean any of us are more accepted for it.

A lot of the people I know who are bipolar are terrified of people finding out they're bipolar.

Society views me as violent, bitchy, and not worth their time.

And it sucks.

To me, wishing to have a mental illness is along the same lines as wishing you have diabetes or cancer.

It's not something to use as an excuse.

It's something I will struggle with every day for the rest of my life.

So no.

No, you don't wish you were bipolar.

Get an education and stop being a naive asshole.

I am an incredibly difficult person to deal with.

My parents are troopers.  Legit.  I don't know how they do it.  I can be a huge pain in the ass, especially if I'm off my meds like I was this past summer.

I would detail out my behavior for you, but I honestly don't remember much of it.  This summer was just one giant ass manic episode, and a lot of times, after I have an episode, I have huge holes in my memory.  I do know I spent far more money than I should have, and I was an asshole to every member of my family to the point where I was close to getting myself kicked out of the house.

I don't know what I'd do without my parents.  Honestly.  A lot of people I've connected with that have bipolar disorder either have parents that aren't really around, parents that just don't care, or parents that ignore the fact they're bipolar and assume some day they'll "get over it."  Mine fall into none of those categories.

I complained about my parents a lot when I was in middle school.  I fought with them both more times than I can count from 7th grade to 12th grade.  I was a right little shit.  And the first thing out of my mouth to my friends after those fights, especially the ones in middle school?  "Wahhh my parents don't care about me.  They hate me.  They just want to control me."

My parents didn't approve of my choice of friends in 8th grade, for example.  They told me I really shouldn't hang out with the friends I was.  My reaction?  "Pshhh what do they know?  My friends are awesome."

Looking back, my parents were mostly right about my middle school friends.  I mean, they were (and most still are) very nice people.  But I stopped really talking to them after my freshman year of high school.  They were all interested in getting high and having sex, and I just wasn't into that whole thing.  We gradually drifted apart, and yeah.  I'm sad about that somewhat.  But at the same time, it makes me wonder if I had stayed friends with them, what would have happened?  Would I have still graduated high school?  If so, would I have ended up at the alternative high school?  These are things that I wonder at 2 in the morning sometimes.  They don't keep me up, it's more of a philosophical debate with myself, if you will.

My parents saw the direction my friends were heading in and tried to protect me.  And while I didn't listen to them, I still on some level heard them.

They have always tried to make sure I head in the right direction.  And, especially for me being their oldest, I think they've done an amazing job.  They managed to raise me into an open minded, caring adult.  Someone who is dedicated to finding success in life even though I'm facing a lot of adversity as of late.  They've helped me realize that I am not the most important person in the world, and I can't always put myself first.  Most of all, they've kept me grounded.

Yeah.  My parents annoy the crap out of me sometimes.  Everyone's parents do.  But my parents?  Man. Give them a damn medal or trophy or something.  I mean, they haven't had it easy either.  My mom having a kid at 20...I doubt that was in her original life plan.  But my parents improvised, and have a lot to show for it.  And it's not just me.  I mean, my two younger sisters are two of the best people I know (especially now that I don't live with them 24/7 =P).  Allegra's so incredibly smart that it hurts my head when she tries explaining things to me sometimes, and Annika is hilarious and incredibly optimistic.  My parents raised three very different daughters, and we all turned out magnificently (if I do say so myself).

I don't know.  I felt like I needed a post just praising my parents for everything they've done for me.  I couldn't ask for two more supportive people in my life.

And my close friends reading this, yes, I know, y'all have helped too.  You'll get the next post.  But it's late, and I need to go to bed.  So I'm signing off for the night.

Alex, OUT.

First Entry, Whoohoo!

This blog won't go as in depth as my private blog on Tumblr does, mainly because this is my public blog and there are things I am just not comfortable sharing with the world.

But first off, I'll introduce myself.

My name is Alex.  I'm currently 19 years old and attending UW-Platteville.  I'm a sophomore (or junior, creditwise) majoring in English secondary education.

Going to college while dealing with a severe mental illness can be difficult.  Hell, it is difficult.  But I'm lucky to be growing up in an age where mental illness is becoming more "main stream".  Now, that's not to say that mental illness is popular.  But as stigma is decreasing, it is becoming easier and easier to find treatment.

Acknowledging you need treatment is the hard part.  I knew I needed help as early as 8th grade.  Sadly, I had trouble getting my message across, so it wasn't until my sophomore year of high school that I finally got the courage to seek help from a teacher [an English one, coincidentally-part of my determination to become an English teacher, truthfully].  Let me tell you, nothing is more terrifying than walking into your house and seeing your two concerned parents sitting at the table.  That conversation I had with them was probably one of the hardest of my life, and it wasn't the last, nor will it be the last.  Thank the lord I have the parents I do.  Though they were worried, and I'm sure not wanting to believe something was wrong with their child, they set up a doctor's appointment for me.  I was put on antidepressants and sent to therapy, where my therapist (a lovely woman, she helped so much) said I probably had dysthymia, which is chronic depression.

I wasn't altogether convinced.  When I decided to get help, I wrote a letter to my English teacher explaining everything that had happened and suggesting the possibility that I was bipolar.  Self diagnoses tend to be thrown to the wayside, though.  You can actually convince yourself that you have a disorder, which is why WebMD is getting in the way of doctors doing their job.

I continued to take my medication, and was weaned off of it towards the end of my junior year.  I got a 2.1 the semester I was getting off my meds (though that also had something to do with several deaths in my life at the time).  My senior year of high school I worked my butt off.  I was working part time, taking AP classes, and in Academic Decathlon.  My mom went back to work for the first time since my sisters were born.  With her back at work, there were more duties around the house for everyone, myself included.  My mental health started to deteriorate.  I was putting so much pressure on myself and only getting 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night.  My grades started to fail, and I began to panic.  Finally, my parents asked me if I thought I needed to go back to the doctor.  I said yes, and they set up another appointment for me.  My family doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and gave me a prescription for Xanax.  He also referred me to a psychiatrist because he was concerned about some of the symptoms I had described for him.

In late May or early June of 2010, I went to see my current psychiatrist who gave me a definite diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  As soon as those words came out of her mouth, I felt two emotions: relief and resentment.  I was angry no one had listened to me when I had originally said I thought I was bipolar.  I was frustrated that not one adult had thought, "Hmm, maybe we should listen to her.  Maybe she knows something about herself that we don't."

It's been almost two years since that diagnosis.  I'm still working on coming to terms with my illness and what it means for me.  It can be (and has, on some occasions) an incredibly debilitating disease.  So last week, I took precautions.  I finally admitted to myself that I needed to rely on people other than myself and my family and friends for help.  I applied for disability at my university.  Now, this doesn't mean that I get cheaper tuition or preferential treatment.  What it does mean, however, is that I now have access to tools that will help me be successful in college and graduate.  I put off applying for disability for a long time.  I didn't want to feel like I was getting special treatment.  I didn't want to acknowledge that I have bipolar disorder.  I'm open enough about it, but applying for disability felt like I was letting it defeat me.  But most of all, I didn't want to admit to myself that this disorder has the ability to throw my life out of control.

But what I realize now after applying, as the Dean of Students pointed out to me when I met with her last week, is that just because I might not always be able to control it doesn't mean I can't try.  There are people willing to help me every step of the way.  I need only ask.

I can do anything with my life that I want.

I am not bipolar.

I HAVE bipolar disorder.

But it does not have me.