The Burden of Being Mentally Ill

One of the hardest things about having a mental illness is being around people who do not.  No matter how much they try to understand, at the end of the day, they still hold you to the same standard that they would someone who was not mentally ill.

That isn't to say that we shouldn't be held to certain standards, but it gets complicated when you consider severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.  People tend to forget that medications don't just magically make your symptoms disappear; they just lessen them.  You can be medicated and still have a depressive episode, have auditory hallucinations, have mania.

The worst part about being around people without mental illness, especially when you live with them or they are your family, is the constant feeling of guilt.

There is not a day where I don't feel guilty for the burden I am on my family.  I am aware that I cause a high amount of stress, and I know it puts pressure on my family.  But every time I see a sign of me being a burden, I get more upset and more stressed.  I leave out information out of fear of causing more stress, and when it comes to light, anger erupts from them.

I, and many people with mental illness, have to live every day with the fact that they feel like a huge disappointment to their families.  We are not who you wanted us to be.  And it's not just a simple matter of us deciding to change.  Our brains don't work that way.  We tend to screw up, and every time we screw up, it reinforces that idea that we will always be this way, that we will always disappoint the people closest to us.

We also live with the guilt of our actions during our episodes.  I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive myself for how I've treated people, especially my sisters, during my episodes.

There's a nagging worry in the back of my head that my sister goes to school 3 1/2 hours away because she needed to get away from me, a thought reinforced by her recent visit home as she declined to spend much time with me.

I don't know that I will ever be able to get rid of this guilt I feel in the pit of my stomach for something that really, I am just barely learning to have control over now.

People with asthma aren't expected to function at the same physical level someone without asthma is.  People with diabetes aren't expected to eat the same diets as everyone else, even when taking their medication.  People with many other chronic or serious illnesses are not held to the same standards as everyone else because realistically, they cannot be, not for lack of wanting to, but for the simple fact that it just isn't possible for them to be.

So why, when people with mental illness are medicated, do we expect them to function as "normal"?

I will never be "normal".  I have made my peace with that idea.  The guilt I feel stems from the fact that I know my family expects me to be normal, even though there is no way I ever can be.  I can be a productive member of society, but I'm never going to be high functioning.  My illness is, at times, incredibly debilitating, and I just wish that people would realize that it's not because I'm lazy.  It's not because I'm ungrateful.  My brain doesn't function properly.  It never will.

At heart, being the only mentally ill person in a neurotypical family is very lonely.

Sometimes, I feel like they view me as the villain in their lives.

Amanda Bynes

Unless you've been living under a rock, you're aware of Amanda Bynes' recent troubles, whether it be shaving her hair off, throwing a bong out a window, or, most recently, lighting her pants on fire.  And most of us watching have been amused by it, yet another child actor going "wild".  It was all so funny...at first.

Now, think back a few years ago.  We were watching a different actor spiraling out of control, albeit more violently.  This actor also took to Twitter around the same time, and he also gave several widely publicized interviews.  I wrote an entry about him when all this was happening as well.  This actor, of course, was Charlie Sheen.

The problem I have with the attention Amanda Bynes is receiving is largely the same problem I had with the attention Sheen was receiving.  It's not that she's getting attention.  I couldn't care less.  It's that people are laughing at her instead of wondering what's going on with her that she's acting this erratically.

We have a tendency to laugh at things we don't understand, or things that make us uncomfortable, and that's okay.  But at some point, you need to step back and ask yourself why you're laughing, why you're uncomfortable.  Watching the responses to Bynes and Sheen worry me, because watching someone struggle with their problems publicly is awful.  It will not surprise me if Bynes is diagnosed with some form of mental illness, and as I watch this unfold, I hope she finds the help she needs before it's too late.

When someone acts like this, our minds should immediately go to "I hope they're able to get the help they need" not "oh my god look at this crazy mofo".  We should reach out to those who need help, not ridicule them.

That being said, it could very well be Amanda Bynes has just become an incredibly odd person (though highly unlikely) or that this is all just one big publicity stunt a la Joaquin Phoenix (also highly unlikely, given the legal issues).  But we can take what's happening in her life and apply it to our own.

Even if someone claims they're mentally fit, if they're acting sporadically and you know them well enough to intervene, then please step in and try to get them the help they need.  Unless they pose an imminent danger to themselves or others, you won't be able to get them help if they aren't willing to accept it, so proceed with caution.  This isn't something to take lightly.  If your girlfriend yells at you for being late for the fiftieth time, that's not a legitimate reason for you to decide to try to get her psychiatric help.  If she yells at you for leaving the toilet seat up, and it develops into a temper tantrum for no discernible reason whatsoever, that MAY be a legitimate reason.

But most of all, if you see someone suffering, be understanding, compassionate, and considerate.  Don't be judgmental or tell them what they have to do.

At the end of the day, all you can really do is make sure they know if they need help, they can come to you without fear of judgment or abandonment.  A good support system is where to start, and if needed, you can continue on from there.

This has been a public service message from your resident mentally ill friend.

(If anyone with mental illness has anything to add that I forgot, please don't hesitate to let me know in the comments.  I'll add it in with credit if you wish.)

You

Hey, you.

Yeah, that's right.

You, reading this post.

You know what you are?

Amazing.

I don't care if you're 100 pounds or 500 pounds, you are amazing.  If you're black, white, brown, or purple.  No matter what your gender or sexual orientation.  No matter the disabilities you may have, the problems you've faced, or the obstacles yet to come.  You are amazing.  You are alive, and that is wonderful.

I know it can be so hard sometimes.  You look in the mirror, and you hate what you see.  Your hair is too curly.  Your thighs are too big.  You're too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny.  You worry about how others see you, and in doing this, your image of yourself is distorted.  You doubt how anyone can ever like you.  You're annoying, you're too quiet, you're pushy, you're a pushover.

You think that guy or that girl will never be into you because of who you are or how you look.  You push people away because you don't want to get hurt.  You settle for someone who isn't worth your time.

But you want to know a secret?  Something that everyone keeps quiet, especially from themselves?

NONE OF THAT MATTERS.

It doesn't matter what Person A thinks of you, or how attracted Person B is to you.

It doesn't matter that you're fat or skinny, black or white, trans or cis, gay or straight.

All that matters is how YOU feel about yourself.

Stop letting others dictate how you see yourself, and start to see yourself the way you are, not the way others want you to be.

Stop settling for anything less than what you deserve, and if someone tries to tell you differently, then dump them.  They aren't worth your time.

We spend so much time running after acceptance from people, and we get lost along the way.

In the images the media throws at us, we learn that we need to be skinny and sexy and smart (but hide it away) to have any hope of acceptance.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough.

For every person that drags you down, there are more people that will help you back up.  Find those people, and stick with them, because they're the ones that matter.

And don't be a person who drags others down because of your own insecurities.  Use your insecurities to help build others up, including yourself.

Every human being that has ever walked this planet has had potential for greatness, including you.

Because, my friend, you're amazing.  You're strong, you're intelligent, and you matter.

Don't ever forget that.

Self Diagnosis

Self diagnosing is not a good practice.

A lot of it happens in our society today.

And having a starting point is always good when you go into the doctor.

But that's they key part of that sentence.

When you GO TO THE DOCTOR.

It drives me insane when I see people post things about how they THINK they have a mental illness.  I understand you're having problems.

But when you self diagnose, you make those mental illnesses seem like a joke.

OCD, ADHD, and bipolar disorder are all serious things.

You do not want to have them.  If you think you're exhibiting symptoms, then go to a doctor.

I know this sounds incredibly privileged, because not everyone has access to health care, but in most cases I've seen, the people self diagnosing have health care readily available but decide to not go to the doctor anyway.

So yeah.  There's my rant for the day.

STOP TRIVIALIZING MENTAL ILLNESS.

College, Tuition, and Stress

Finals week is coming up in a few weeks.  I'm not worried about finals.  By then, I'll either know the stuff or I won't.  No point in freaking out about it.

I am stressed about work this summer though.  This is the first time I've really felt the NEED for money, the need to save money.  (The fact that I know and want to save money is a HUGE thing for me.  I'm bad at saving.  I like buying things.)

I mean, I'm gonna work at the hotel, but honestly, it's a hard job.  I can't stress it enough.  And I mean, my parents try to understand to some point, but sometimes I feel like they think I'm being a wimp.  But my knees and my back don't work like they should largely because of how much work the hotel is.  I also think my asthma got worse because of the chemicals we use.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I like my coworkers, and I like my job.  It's just difficult.  And I need to actively pursue other jobs this summer at the very least, and I'm terrified I won't get a second job.  The pressure to get a job from my parents is pretty substantial.  And I understand why they want me to have two jobs.  More money=less loans.  Less loans=less interest.  ALL GOOD THINGS.  But it just stresses me out because jobs aren't easy to get right now, especially for me.  I mean, I applied at Target, Taco Bell, McDonalds, a summer camp, Walgreens, and the movie theater.  No one is looking for seasonal employment.

I don't know.  I just...I need to save money.  But I also need to make sure that I don't burn out this summer.  And I've been thinking about all this stuff, loans and money, for the past few weeks and it's knocked my sleep schedule out of whack and I'm more irritable and antisocial.

Plus, I need to get a job at Platteville next semester if I want to move out of my parents' house next summer (which I do, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it.  We'll see.)

Ugh.  It's like...all the stuff that happened when I turned 18 and became an adult just hit me now.  Which is good that it has hit me.  I mean, I'm starting to look into the future, plan my career.  I'm getting more and more enthusiastic about my major.  I can't wait to start teaching.  It's just that all the stress of school I have to deal with makes me want to become a hobo sometimes.

I just really need a break from it all.  I have a few friends who I think are coming to stay next weekend for the night, and that'll be fun.  I just really really REALLY need to de-stress.  I mean, obviously I'm stressed out.  It's 3:38 in the morning and I'm blogging because I can't stop thinking about money.

Money money money.

It's this huge thing hanging over my head.

Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll have saved up enough money to pay for at least half of my tuition.  I was going to look into buying a car, but honestly I feel like with gas prices and insurance, I'd rather spend that money on tuition.  I'll just bum rides off my friends.  (That does make it more difficult to get a job though; this means I can only work on campus because I'm not walking to work off campus when it's cold or dark.)

Everyone's looking forward to a 3 month break.  And yeah, I get a break from school too, but I'm gonna work all I can.  I'm not looking forward to this summer.  It's gonna be tough, and I'm pretty sure I'll have at least one meltdown by the end of it.

Sigh.

How to Talk to Somebody With a Mental Illness Without Sounding Like a Jerk

Taken from HERE

NOTE: I’m sure this doesn’t apply to all people with mental illness, but I wanted to address these things from my perspective. I am a woman with Bipolar II with Intermittent Psychosis and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder so things will be framed in that respect, but I like to think they can apply elsewhere too. 
I am thankful for every person who attempts to understand me and what I go through. I’m not making this list to make anybody feel bad, but to make people aware of the things they say that don’t really help somebody and with explanations why. Too often when people say things like this, myself and others get annoyed and don’t provide a proper explanation as to why it’s wrong. Here are some examples with explanations:
1) “Everybody feels sad sometimes!”: Yes, this is very true. Everybody does go through periods of sadness or difficult times in their life. However, that sadness is not diagnosed as a mental illness. A mental illness that produces feelings of sadness has strict diagnostic criteria that separate it from normal emotions. By telling somebody with a mental illness that their behavior is experienced by everybody, you are delegitimizing their experience. People with mental illness (especially mood disorders) often think that they do experience the same emotional range as other people, which lead them to feel even worse when they don’t seem to cope as well as other people. They’re often surprised to find that they experience things differently than others.  If you yourself don’t suffer from a mental illness, you have no basis for comparison to say that the person isn’t experiencing something beyond the norm.
2) “But, I mean, all women are crazy. You’re not any different.”: Beyond being completely sexist, this statement is offensive because it is again delegitimizing the experiences of a mentally ill person while simultaneously saying that all women are mentally ill. A woman with a mental illness does not experience the same things as a healthy woman. And beyond that, a healthy woman is not crazy. This one just shouldn’t be said, ever.
3) Using disorder-names flippantly: You might think that by throwing around the words “schizo” or “bipolar” or “OCD” in front of your mentally-ill friend, you’ll make them feel more accepted. But honestly, you aren’t. It just makes many of us highly uncomfortable. We hear people who aren’t our friends throw these words around all the time as if it’s cool to describe yourself using somebody else’s pain. Don’t chip in.

4) Yelling at people who use disorder-names who you think is being flippant but is not: If you don’t know somebody well and they mention a disorder in a context that could possibly be flippant, don’t yell at them. They might not be acting flippant, and actually might have that disorder. For example, if somebody says, “The mess in this room is really freaking me out. I wish I didn’t have OCD,” you might assume that they’re just making a joke because you’ve heard other people do similarly (another reason to not do #3). However, they could just be expressing something that is legitimately a problem. If you’re worried, just ask, “Oh, I didn’t know you have OCD; how are you doing?.” If they don’t have it, they’ll correct you and you can feel free to tell them that their behavior is harmful. If they do have it, they will respond in turn.
5) “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you; you’re just different.”: Would you tell somebody with cancer that there’s nothing wrong with them and that they’re just different? Of course you wouldn’t. Similarly, don’t tell somebody coping with a mental illness that that they are just “different.” While some people might like to take the approach that they have an “alternate way of thinking,” many of us don’t. We deal with something that not only makes us feel terrible day in and day out, but makes us feel misunderstood or separated from healthy people. You’re not a jerk by acknowledging the fact that we suffer from something difficult. In fact, just acknowledging us as legitimate is a huge relief, as it’s something we don’t get a lot.
6) “I don’t believe in mood disorders./Mood disorders are just a way to make people feel bad about their feelings.”: Telling somebody that you don’t believe in their disorder is something that just doesn’t need to be done, as it’s just rude. You’re free to think that, but don’t bring it up with somebody who faces a lot of pain and stigma because of their disorder. You might be of the opinion that mood disorders are over-diagnosed because our society doesn’t like expressions of emotion and wants to vilify them, and that’s fine. You know, you might even be right in a sense. However, telling this to somebody who has been diagnosed and treated for a mood disorder isn’t going to win you any points with them. If that friend brings it up, pursue it, but saying it to them yourself comes off as judgmental.
7) “I’m against the use of psychiatric medication.”: That’s your personal choice. Nobody is telling you that you must take any medication. However, for people with any severity of a mental illness, it’s not really an option. Some people choose not to take medication; that’s their right. However, as a non-mentally ill person, you don’t really have room to comment on what medications other people take as you’re not in the position of it being one of your treatment options. Many of us who are medicated know that there are risks associated with our medications, but we don’t have many other options when it comes to getting our lives on track. Judging our use of medication is not your place.
8) “I don’t think you should have kids./What if your kids get it?/How will you be able to care for another human being?”: This is something that a lot of mentally ill people, especially women, are told. It’s something that those of us who want to have kids are afraid of already without you questioning us about it. A lot of us decide not to have children, even if we want them, because we’re afraid that we’ll pass on our disorder (if it’s passable), or that we’ll make bad parents. This isn’t your life and it isn’t your concern. If you know somebody who is mentally ill with children that are being neglected, then yes, intervention is important for the sake of the children. Otherwise, don’t question somebody for their decisions in life that do not affect you. 

9)  ”I had a friend with [insert mental illness here] and they didn’t do that.”: People with mental illness, even if they have the same illness, are not all the same. Plenty of people have bipolar disorder that doesn’t present in all of the same ways, or feel the same, or have the same experiences. While knowing somebody else with a similar/the same mental illness can be helpful or educational, remember that not all people with that disorder must act the same way. We are different people with different experiences. Your friend might have had tons of sex when she was manic; your other friend might not. Neither one if them is a liar or faking or less legitimate.
10) “You seem like you have such an easy time, though!”: This is sort of a backwards compliment; it’s saying that we seem productive and well-adjusted while simultaneously casting suspicion on the severity of our illness. As before, people with mental illness present in different ways; some are able to be productive every day because of their heavily regimented lifestyle. Some are not productive despite a heavily regimented lifestyle. That doesn’t mean that one has it worse than the other; it means they’re different people who react in different ways. If you want to compliment your friend who has a mental illness about their productivity, something like, “I really admire your ability to go through hard things and still come out on top.” goes over much better.
11) “Whoa, you take lithium? Wicked!”: This fits under the category of “People Who Idealize Mental Illness As Something Cool.” Doing this in any sense is very not-okay. Mental illness is not something to idealize or fetishize; it does not make somebody cool or alternative or hardcore, it just makes their life harder than yours in that respect. Just because Nirvana wrote a song about lithium and you love Nirvana doesn’t mean that meeting a living-breathing person who takes this medication means you can be act like you’ve met Kurt Cobain himself. They’re taking this medication not to be cool, but because they’re using it to treat something that is difficult for them. Idealizing it makes you look silly.
This is by no means exhaustive or all-applicable, but I do hope that these sort of common questions can be made obvious so they can be better addressed. 

Friends.

Since I moved to Sun Prairie, my friends have always been the most important part of my life.  They have been the ones that have guided me, whether good or bad, and helped shape me into who I am today.

After my diagnosis, and even before, I learned how to turn to my friends for support, to build a support system out of them.

But people don't seem to understand that it is crucial that my support system is available.  This makes me needier than most people.  And it makes me incredibly difficult to deal with.  I can't tell you how many friendships have deteriorated because they can't handle how I react to certain situations.

And every single time it takes me by surprise.  Because I never see it coming.  And if it's not coming, I overanalyze it until they get sick of me and ditch.

I am a pro at losing friends without ever trying.